ESS-A-BAGEL—A local everything bagel announced Tuesday morning that it was tired of everything. 

“I can’t take it anymore,” said the piping hot bagel from behind the glass counter at Ess-a-Bagel, “All they do is complain. Complain about the mess I make, about my seeds in their teeth, even how I make their breath smell bad.” 

The everything bagel, who has been at Essa-a-Bagel for two minutes, said it can’t win. “I try to cut back on seasonings and they say, ‘Hey, where’s my dried garlic? I want more sesame seeds.’” 

“I used to want to be everything. Now I wish I was nothing.”

The Rat reached out to the everything bagel for a follow-up comment but has not received a response.